For several months after Alice left her husband she lived in a women’s shelter. Of all the women that went through that particular shelter during this period – of which there were quite a few – the social workers firmly believed that Alice would be the one to go back to her husband. They obviously didn’t know her very well, and from what she has heard since she is only one of possibly two women who didn’t go back :-)
Living at the shelter was a real eye opener for Alice. There were women of all ages; those in the 60’s, right down to late teens and mothers with young children. They came from all walks of life – farmers, shop assistance, live at home mothers, disability pensioners, and the list goes on.
The time that they stayed at the shelter varied considerably too. Some stayed for just a couple of days, some for several months, while others lived in half-way houses for around twelve months. The half-way houses were considered part of the shelter but were usually in a different part of town or a town nearby. Most of the same rules applied, but you had more independence to try and rebuild your life.
Before you can be accepted to live in a shelter you have to read through and agree to keep a list of rules. These rules seemed to be a bit restrictive when Alice first read them, but it didn’t take long for her to realise just how necessary they all were.
Two of the rules were never to loan another woman money and always lock you front door when you go out of your room. One of the other ladies didn’t feel it was necessary to keep these rules. She lost a rather large sum of money when someone she leant money too up and left the shelter without notice, and someone else stole something precious to her out of her room because she hadn’t locked the door.
So as you can imagine trust was not a major commodity in a women’s shelter. Yet despite this, the residents would sit around at times and just talk. They talked about what they had been through, how they were coping, what they wanted to do with their lives, and general women’s talk. They would comfort someone having a bad day, and celebrate with someone who had a win.
One subject that came up a lot was that of sexual assault. About half of the women Alice spoke to at any length either had just left a partner or had a previous partner who they knew had sexually assaulted others. Some had been brought to justice, but most had not. Having enough evidence and a victim with the will power to go through such a torturous court case where a victim is portrayed in very poor light and made to look like a liar, was hard to find.
One day as they were sitting around the table talking, one on them blurted out – we are all going through the same shit! The rest of the ladies looked at her rather shocked, then had to admit that it was indeed true. They had all left domestic violent partners, were living in a shelter struggling to restart their lives, and at least half of them were dealing with the fact that a former partner had sexually assaulted others!
So that is how this rather rough and unusual saying came into being, and why Alice embraced it as one of her own and shared it with me. Since learning this statement I have shared this saying with many other women who have left a domestic violent relationship and they too feel a sense of empathy and ownership of it. Do you?
Until next time – remember, safety first!