When I first left my husband I felt like I didn’t want to be near any men as I could not trust them. So when I saw a couple that I knew in a shopping centre, I hid so they didn’t see me. He walked away, around a corner, so I approached her and started to chat. All of a sudden he came back around the corner and said he heard that I had left my husband and said I deserved a big hug. NO! I screamed inside. Too late! He already had his arms around me knocking my hat off in the process. We talked for a couple of minutes then went our separate ways.
Looking back on this I can see that it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. It started the process of restoring my trust in men again. A healing process like this is similar to learning to ride a horse – you get on, fall off, and try again, etc. until you succeed. In leaving my husband I had fallen off my horse, getting this hug was like getting back up again.
Around this time I did a lot of walking as I didn’t have a car. Every time a car pulled up near me absolute terror filled my whole body and I was ready to run at the drop of a hat. What did the person in the car want? Why did they stop there? Did he send them to hurt me? These and many more similar question raced through my terrified mind. As the person went about their business I would give a sigh of relief and continue my journey. Over the next few months I learnt to feel safer as I walked and rarely took much notice of cars pulling up near me, but the memory of that fear will never go away.
Over the next few years I attended numerous workshops at a local counselling office. Most of these were women only workshops which suited me fine. However, the first one that I attended which included men made me very nervous. There was a large circle of chairs in the room so I chose one in a section where nobody else was sitting. A gentleman came in shortly after me and sat on one side of me. I felt rather insecure but was certain that a lady would sit the other side of me so tried to calm myself down.
Then another gentleman came in and sat the other side of me. Why here? Why near me? Couldn’t he sit somewhere else? I can’t stay here? I felt claustrophobic between two men, but what could I do? I wanted to leave the workshop, but the presenter was closing the door! Now what?
Then I remembered grounding – something I had been taught in another workshop. I told myself the day, my location, that I was in a safe place, that I knew people in the room, I am in the present not the past, and that I was safe. Then I took several deep breathes. I managed to stay and completed the workshop, even participated by giving an example of what we were learning. What a victory over my fear!
The last workshop that I attended we all sat around a table. Others were nervous so I told them the general procedure of workshops which helped to settle their nerves. Once again I had two gentlemen either side of me, but this no longer bothered me. Yes, it did take me a couple of years to get to this stage, but what an achievement for me.
Then, just a short time ago, I had to put my computer in for repairs. I felt lost, depressed, useless, incapable of doing anything and that I had nothing. I didn’t know why? It took me a while to figure it out, but being without my computer took me back emotionally to when I first left my husband. Back then I was depressed, basically had nothing and felt lost and useless because of it and the domestic violence I had suffered. This didn’t quite ring true for my recent situation as I could see everything I owned around me.
Then it dawned on me that it was when I first left my husband that I found out about all his activities which really upset me and caused me to leave. Once I realised why I felt this way the feeling left as I could tell myself that my situation was now very different. I made plans to do many different activities and filled my days without my computer.
It just goes to show that even a simple thing can cause your memory to return to something you found traumatic and makes you relive those emotions. When this happens we need to be kind to ourselves, take time out to think and work out why. Then we can reassure ourselves that the old facts are no longer true, and move on with our life.
Until next time – remember, safety first!