They tell them sob stories like how badly their partner treats or treated them. How she/he cooked inappropriate foods for their needs and always the type of food they didn’t like. How they were always messy, never cleaned themselves or the house. How their partner wasted all their hard earned money on junk – fast food, magazines, weight loss programs not followed, latest technology that they can’t use, etc. They can also tell stories of how unloved they were and how they felt like nothing.
They can pretend to act as if they are very fragile emotionally crying at the drop a hat over very minor things that happen. While at the same time being very caring, attentive and affectionate to their potential new partner or victim.
This is what is called grooming. They are preparing a person to become sympathetic to them and to implicitly trust them. The grooming starts with predominantly positive behaviours towards this person. Then over time, they can move on to slowly manipulating and controlling this person. The new partner may be a little suspicious with some of these behaviours but they are reassured that they are over-reacting and as time passes accept this abuse as normal.
For example the perpetrator may start out saying how lovely you look especially in a certain outfits. This may change to something like – you can’t wear that, it makes you look fat, stupid, ugly, like a granny, out of fashion, etc. He/she will insist that they are not trying to control what you wear, even though they just told you that you can’t wear something. They will insist they are just helping you, when in fact they are trying to control what you wear. Not every outfit will look flattering on you, but does that really matter?
They may start off encouraging you to do activities that you like or trying something new. Then later on they will tell you are incapable of doing those or any other thing, that you really mucked them up, made a fool of yourself or that you are hopeless and useless. Often these criticisms are made in front of others causing the new partner to feel extreme humiliation and shame.
Other things they may try to control is what you read, listen to and who you see. They will claim that they are only trying to keep you from harm, destroying yourself or your moral values, which is only an excuse. They may try to tell you that laughing is Satanic or shows that you are demon possessed, and that you really need help to stop it. They may try to control what you eat and drink according to their dictates, not for any health reason. They may also pick on the way the house is kept or not kept – things left lying around, dishes undone, washing not folded and ironed straight away, bed not made first thing in the morning, etc. This will be entirely the new partner’s fault and he/she will take no responsibility for their share of the mess even if they made most of it.
There may also be times when the new partner gives the perpetrator a playful slap, punch or nudge. In turn they will deliberately hit back twice as hard, significantly hurting the new partner. They will insist that the new partner is over reacting and that it was nothing. Nevertheless, over time the new partner pulls away from any physical contact for fear of being hurt. They also fear to tell others about it because they feel that nobody would believe them.
As time continues in the relationship his/her skills at manipulation and control are honed to perfection. He/she makes sure that everyone they meet thinks that the new partner is the one in control and not him/her. In front of others he/she checks with the new partner about dates and times for other outings, different foods, clothing, information, etc., that he/she is trying to use as control techniques at home to make it look like they are the partner’s idea.
This sort of life is not normal, is not nice to live, and both parties in such a relationship need professional help.
Until next time – remember, safety first!
NOTE: This blog has been written from my personal experience and that of other domestic violence survivors who I have spoken to. For more information about grooming and different types of abuse go to:
- http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html
- http://www.casac.org.au/site%20docs/Grooming.pdf
- http://www.kemh.health.wa.gov.au/services/sarc/documents/abuse.pdf