For a lot of people saying no to a request is rather easy, but for some of us it is one of the hardest things we have to do. What’s more, I had to do this recently to a very dear friend who was asking for help after an upcoming operation.
This is a dear old friend that I have helped out many times in the past and who has also helped me out in the past. However, when she contacted me this particular time I wasn’t even in the local area. In fact I was hundreds of kilometres away from my home and even further from her place. So initially the reason for not helping was distance.
A few weeks later I returned to my home with some family which were only staying a short time. I once again contacted my friend and we talked about what was happening, and she again informed me that the operation was still in the future and she still required help. I told her to keep me informed, but at this point in time I was still unable to help her.
I had a lovely time with my family and they eventually returned to their own home. My health declined for a while and I was reduced to very basic living and self-care. Fortunately, I had multiple meals in the freezer and plenty of DVDs to keep my mind busy while my body was unable to do the things I wanted or needed to do.
My health started to improve and I started toying with the idea that maybe, just maybe I might be able to help my friend out after all. I am the type of person who loves helping other people as it makes me feel good. My helping, caring, compassionate nature makes it very hard for me to say no when I am asked for help. This is why I was having so much trouble within myself not being able to help my friend.
Then I suddenly took very ill and was unable to shake it off. Whatever this illness was it took my whole immune system down which meant that things I could normally tolerate I was having severe allergic reactions too. Which in turn made me even sicker. After quite some time I finally recovered from my illness and started back into my everyday life.
Life seemed to be getting back to normal when I started thinking about my friend again and wondering how she was getting along. A couple days later she phoned me for a chat again. Although several months had passed she was still waiting for her operation. She had managed to get some help organised for when she had her operation which was a huge relief for me.
Now that this request has been removed from my shoulders it makes it easier for me to see that although I wanted to help my friend I really wasn’t well enough myself. Saying no to her was really about me putting my self-care first. This is not selfishness, but taking into consideration what I am and am not capable of doing without destroying my own health.
Sometimes it may be really hard to say no, so we need to look at the issue from a different view point. If we are saying no because we are not capable of fulfilling the request, then what we are really saying is YES to self-care. Saying yes is just so much easier for someone like me, and makes me feel better.
So the next time you have to say no to somebody for unselfish reasons, think about what you are saying yes too! Is it your own responsibilities, family, or self-care that you are saying yes to.
Until next time – remember, safety first!