Traditionally men are supposed to be the providers and protectors of the home circle. So when they are the ones being abused they are far less likely to talk about it than women are. Take into consideration that women have a hard time talking about domestic violence due to the humiliation of it, and we then find ourselves with a problem that is rarely spoken of.
There are some who claim that 1 in every 3 domestic violence victims is a male, and that there is approximately 1 male death due to domestic homicide to every 3 female. Some go as far as to say that violence by women is mostly self-defence and resistance to oppression, while there is only a few who use violence to control their partner.
Whether these numbers and claims are accurate is not the issue here. The issue is - men do suffer and survive domestic violence too! What’s more there are far fewer services and help available for them. Some men “escape” their domestic violence by spending long hours at work or other places just so they don’t have to go home, while others take it the extreme of committing suicide. I know of one couple who took out Domestic Violence Restraining Orders on each other and both were upheld by the court. When I spoke to a social worker about this issue she told me that this situation was not uncommon.
So how does domestic violence effect male victims? Are they being physically injured? Do they feel frightened, helpless and controlled? Do people blame them for their situation like some women are?
To try to answer some of these questions I would like to tell a very small part of the lives of some men who I believe are or have suffered domestic violence at the hands of their partner. As these are real people who are still alive I have changed their names and some events slightly to preserve their anonymity. I will call them – Ted, Bill, Harry and Charlie.
Ted was a nice, quietly spoken, gentle man who had been married a couple of times. He is scared to help friends, visit family or even talk to them frequently. Why? If his wife finds out she hurls abuse and insults, and throws tantrums that would put a toddler to shame. He helped me to get to a medical appointment once but told me that he wouldn’t see me ever again as he would be paying for helping me for months to come.
Bill was a rough as they come – longish hair, tattoos, and solidly built bushy. Yet this man used to run from his wife who would often be welding a sharp knife, axe or the like. A few times she nearly caught him and he has the scares to prove it. He eventually left his wife and the state for his own safety.
Harry was a simple man, quietly spoken and a man of few words - his wife would often never let him finish a sentence let alone a story. She would often publicly humiliate him by saying that he couldn’t do this or that, or she had to accompany him for different reasons. Over time people found out that what she said wasn’t true and they pitied him. Their daughters told them that if Mum died Dad could live with them, but if Dad died Mum could fend for herself. Their daughters were not prepared to put up with the abuse that their father had for many, many years.
Charlie was a hardworking man building a dream home for his family. As he was working full time while building the home it was taking quite a while. His partner left him taking the children and promised to return when the house was finished. When he had completed the house he sent for his partner and children only to be told they weren’t coming back as he had abused them and she had found someone new. He was so devastated he hung himself in the house which he had just finished.
One last story I would like to tell is actually from the woman’s side as I knew her but not him. They had been a couple years earlier but spit up when she cheated on him. Years later they found each other again and tried to give it another go. It wasn’t working so he called it off. She was devastated and angry. So angry that she was determined to get back together with him just so she could dump him! Whether she actually managed this or not I don’t know as I lost contact with her. But going on what I knew of her it was very likely that she did. This isn’t love but abuse.
So whether it is a child, woman or a man that claims to be a victim or survivor of domestic violence it can be true. It can be devastating, demoralising, humiliating and can be the cause of death. Domestic violence needs to stop no matter who is the perpetrator.
Until next time – remember, safety first!