Most people recognise strong physical and verbal violence like hitting, punching, yelling and screaming; but what about actions that can be just as intimidating yet far less obvious to others and which leave no physical marks.
Deliberate actions that can make another person submissive can include things like:
- twisting arms,
- turning a hand shake into a painful experience by squashing all the fingers together and making the little finger rock back and forth,
- emphasising their size, strength, or weight,
- denying or restricting necessities of life like enough food or proper shelter,
- making access to necessary, proper medical treatment extremely difficult or impossible,
- damaging property – holes in walls, breaking furniture, etc.,
- damaging your personal things or threatening to do so, harming your child, family, or pet or threatening to harm or kill them.
Then there are the subtle verbal abuses which repeated frequently year in and year out can wear down even a confident person and make them feel insecure, worthless and ugly. Some of things include:
- You promised you wouldn’t change but look how much weight you’ve put on. (This can be just as insulting to someone who is within their healthy weight range as someone who is overweight.)
- I don’t trust you to drive by yourself. You always get lost, take the wrong turn, ask where we are going, etc., then blame me.
- We can only see your family for a short time as I have family or friends I want to spend more with.
- What? You only got 100% in a test? Can’t you do any better than that?
- If you put on any more weight I’ll walk on the other side of the street.
- I’ve told you enough times, you should be able to do that by now.
- You can’t leave the house wearing that, you look absolutely ridiculous.
- You obviously don’t have enough work to do if you can sit down and have a cuppa.
- You look much nicer without my glass on. I don’t think I’ll look at you with them on any more.
- It’s my money and I don’t care what this family needs, I will spend it on whatever I want.
- The children can’t play here, I am having a rest on the floor.
- You used to look so nice. What happened?
These two lists are examples only and I am sure that if you talked to a dozen people who have survived domestic violence they could come up with just as valid but completely different lists. However, the point I am trying to make is that domestic violence cannot always be seen or heard from outside the home. In fact different persons living within the one house may not even be aware of all the domestic violence that is going on.
So if someone tells you that domestic violence is happening in their home – listen to them and be as supportive as you can. Don’t dismiss what they are saying because they are not covered in bruises or because you haven’t seen or heard anything. Sometimes the people who act like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth in public, can be really cruel and nasty when nobody else is around or can see.
Until next time – remember, safety first!
For information on how to support someone going through domestic violence go to - http://www.qld.gov.au/community/getting-support-health-social-issue/support-domestic-family-violence-victim/