I remember once someone explaining this concept by telling a story. She was sitting in a room going some things when a deadly snake started to come between her legs. She sat still until the snake was a good distance from her before reacting. She said that was her choice! Other’s protested saying she really had no choice. She retorted that she did have a choice between moving and probably dying from a snake bite or not moving and being safe. After due consideration, we all agreed with her.
However, when you have been groomed, punished, ridiculed, criticised, condemned, and questioned by a narcissist for years; when all communications are monitored and censored, information filtered so you only receive what that person wants you to, have all access to people strictly monitored and chosen for you, are your choices really yours?
Some may ask that if it is so bad living with a narcissist why not leave? However, for the person going through this situation, the question is rather complicated. The person may see a lot of things that are not right happening around them, but there is always so much more going on that they have no idea is happening. They think and believe that what they are doing is their choice until they leave that situation and see what they were doing and how much they were being controlled, and how much they changed while with the narcissist.
Also this person has to take into consideration the mood swings of the narcissist, which they will not be able to determine when they are becoming dangerous and when they are safe, after they have left. Add children to this mix and it can become a living nightmare trying to stay safe. Yes, the person can apply for Domestic Violence Orders against the narcissist. However, they are just a piece of paper and in some cases just fuel the anger and the need to control for the narcissist.
From personal experience, I know how much I have changed since leaving my ex. The comparison between the person I was with him and what I am now is so vastly different you would think I am two completely different people. Yet, those who knew me before I was with him claim that I have only returned to what I used to be. The difference came about due to the control.
I am left to question if it is right to punish a person because of a choice to not do something, if that choice led to the harm or death of another person, when the first person is being controlled and manipulated by a narcissistic partner? Did they really have a choice? Did they know what was happening? Was the choice they made done so through years of forced compliance to narcissist person’s will?
I don’t have the answer to these questions, although I wish I did. Many people see it as a black and white situation, but they have probably never been in a situation like that before to know what it is like. To me it just poses more questions than answers.
Until next time – remember, safety first!